Fantasy needs more kebabs

The period between Xmas and New Year is always productive writing time for me. It's a quiet time, work-wise and for some reason my brain just sees it as 'writing time'.

Anyway. There's definitely a lot of truth to the saying "write what you know." And when I woke up this morning, I realised that my own crushing disappointment with a kebab I had last night was actually the answer to a scene (and tone) transition problem I had in Goblin Launderette.

So the first part of today's writing was getting that down on paper, before tackling the section I'd originally planned. This means you get a bonus email, with a bit more content.

As usual, I hope you like it and feel free to share it around. Also, thank you to those of you who reply online or to this email telling me what you like (and don't like!) about the extracts I share. I do actually take that feedback on board. In essence, you are giving me the opportunity to 'beta test' my next novel and I'm very grateful for that.

And now for the kebab...

“You know what, I think this might be the worst kebab I’ve ever eaten.”

Em had been lost in sorrowful thoughts, but the words brought her back to reality with a start. She looked up at Chloe in confusion.

“Oh don’t look at me like that.” Chloe said, between bites. “Yes I know. Grand quest. Dragons. Dead relatives. Voyage of self-discovery blah blah blah. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only thing we can talk about at dinner.”

Tiffany reached over with a fork and lifted a small amount of döner meat from Chloe’s plate before she could object, popping it in her mouth. “Let me try some.”

“Nope.” The Cambarian said, shaking her head. “I’ve had worse.”

“Seriously?!”

“In our village there was a place that did kebabs, burgers and tomato flatbreads. It was terrible at all of them.”

“Ugh.” Chloe said, with genuine disgust. “Never trust a takeaway that doesn’t specialise.”

“Yeah, well. Small village. Only takeaway. Didn’t have a choice.” Tiffany reached over to snag more meat only for Chloe to deftly intercept and parry her fork with her own.

“To be honest, all the kebabs in this province are sub-par. The kebabs in Gamlinberg are just as bad.” Chloe continued. “It’s always these awful thin slices from one of those giant sticks of unknown meat. It’s like nobody ever told you lot that you’re meant to kill a baby sheep, dice it, stick it on skewers and grill it. Seriously, it’s not hard. Also, come on people. Pepper isn’t the only spice.”

She sighed, wistfully. “I miss proper kebabs so much.”

“I’ve never had a kebab.” Lex said, suddenly and quietly. They all turned to look at him.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up.” Chloe said, in genuine astonishment. “You live in Empire’s Heart. The home of the greatest kebabs in the world. How have you never had a kebab?!”

Tiffany snorted. “I’m guessing they don’t make them in the kitchens at the palace.” She faked a posh accent. ‘Your highness, I bring you a kebab made of the finest royal sheep.”

Lex smiled, weakly. “Something like that.”

“But there is literally a kebab named after your family.” Chloe said, still visibly confused.

“There is?”

It was Em’s turn to finally smile now. “The Iskender. Allegedly named after your great-grandfather, Emperor Alexandros II. Although that origin is disputed. There’s a kebab shop in the Eastern Provinces that claims it was invented there. There was a place Chloe and I used to go to near our university that did amazing Iskenders. Guy who ran it claimed to be descended from them. Told me all about it.”

“She’s missing out the bit where he had a massive crush on her, and thought his yoghurty heritage would win her heart.” Chloe interrupted, with an evil smile. “She strung him along because he gave us a discount.”

“I did not!” Em objected. “He was a nice man. Just not my-”

“You have a kebab named after you?!”

They all turned towards Tiffany. She was staring at Lex in awe. Em and Chloe looked at each other, then back at Tiffany again.

“Tiffany.” Chloe said. “Yesterday Lex announced he was the sole heir to literally the biggest empire in the known world and you didn’t even blink. Millions of people to rule over and more power and wealth than any other human in the world. Nothing. Today you find out he has a family kebab and… sploosh.”

“Empires rise and fall.” Tiffany answered, her eyes locked on Lex’s. “Kebabs are forever.”

Lex blushed, then looked away.

“Well.” He said, eventually. “I guess I should probably try a kebab then.”

Chloe moved her fork away from her plate, making it clear he was welcome. He reached out with his fork, only to find its passage blocked by Tiffany.

“No.” She said with conviction, as their tines clashed. “This kebab is not worthy of being your first. You shall eat no kebab until we find one worthy of your name. This I swear.”

Chloe and Em burst out laughing. Lex lasted barely a second before he began laughing himself.

“What?!” Tiffany protested, smiling. “I’m serious! This is an important thing.” Then she joined in.

They were all still laughing when Alan arrived five minutes later. Alan decided not to ask.